As I lay here in bed knowing full well that I should be attempting to get some sort of rest I find myself pondering a query that I may never know the answer to. I lay here wondering to myself if I have chosen the right path or if the path that I am on has chosen me. I don't often allow myself to think this deep this late at night, however the idea of which has crossed my mind more recently as of late. I think of everything that's happened and has yet to happen and I ponder what could have happened had I not done X.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not regretting anything that I've done or anything that I haven't done, it just leads me to think of things that could have been done, or happened for that matter. It all started with a conversation with one of my friends. We were talking about what my most memorable moments are and, well, they're not the greatest. It seems as though the first memory that popped into his head was regarding a banquet table. This got me to thinking, had I not done certain things would I have turned out the same person I am today? I had a grand time living the life that I've led, but I can't help but wonder, is that all anyone ever remembers about me? It's a distressing thought, but it has brought upon this quandary. I know that I wouldn't change a thing that I've done because I love the person that I am today, but in the same breath, who would I have become had I not done the things I did?

I think of all these things as I lay down to go to sleep at night, hoping that they'll somehow manifest in my dreams. None of which has happened yet. I'm happy with they way my life has turned out, yet I keep thinking there's something more. I don't wish there to be, but I keep feeling as though I've missed out on something. Perhaps it's because I've yet to finish school. I've taken, what is it now, six years off? Most of it's been because I couldn't afford to go to school and work at the same time, as of late it's been mostly because I have no freaking clue as to what to do with my life. Again this leads to a path yet to be taken. I don't feel as though I've accomplished much, perhaps this is the meaning behind the conundrum I'm finding myself in. Here I am at 24. I have a house, I'm married, a decent job, two fantastically cracked-out dogs, and I'm pretty stable. Yet I continue to feel as though I've accomplished nothing. Thus leading to me questioning if this path has chosen me or if I have indeed chosen this path.

I wonder what would happen if I just decided to veer off course and run off into the wild blue yonder. Would that be something of my own choosing or would some greater power have known that I was going to do that? I've always believed that you create your own destiny but for some reason I've been finding myself challenged on that. Who's to say that everything, our transgressions included, haven't already been decided for us. Then again, I like to think that some of the decisions I've made have left the Gods wondering what the hell I'm doing.

This, however, is where the thought process stops. I have no concrete proof on either of these theories. I could very easily drive myself mad trying to figure them out. It would be wonderful if I could though. Perhaps it's merely a genetic predisposition to make some of the decisions we make. Coffee over tea, water over wine, maybe it's all in the taste buds, but whatever it is, it's important that we recognize it and be grateful for it. Whether it be us choosing our paths and where we want this life to take us up until the next or if our path has been carved out and planned perfectly for us. We need to take the time to enjoy the small things that we encounter because we really don't know how long those small things are going to be around. So I guess whatever the answer to my question is doesn't really matter as long as I take the time to enjoy the life that I have this go round. I'll never stop wondering though, my mind won't stop working long enough for me to do that. I will always look for an answer to this. I fear, however; that I shall wind up in the puzzlement that has be-spelled us all in regards to the chicken or the egg (logic tells us egg, but where did the egg come from?).

Perhaps this is how it is to be. Happiness must be found where we least expect it as well as everywhere we venture. The path we are on is the path that we must take regardless if we chose it or it was chose for us.

fine, whatever, i'm over it.

my house is a disaster area. we have floor torn up and everthings in the garage. carpet cleaners came yesterday. that was nice. carpet is still damp tho. that's not so nice. cable's coming today so i'll have internet at home again! huzzah!

If anyone in town wants to come see it lemme know. drop me a line on here or myspace. chances are i'll catch it on myspace first. just an fyi.